LONG Overdue Update

Peg - 4-6-23

As many of you know, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in December 2020. My sister Jane got on the first plane out of New York, mask fully in place, and got herself to Florida to be with our mom. She managed the diagnosis, the setting up of many, many appointments, the day to day living of life and working full time.

In May of 2021, our family began rotating who would be with mom. Each one of us bring something new and different to the caregiving table. Each one of us has “other parts of our lives” happening at the same time.

My mom said to me, “I once wished I could spend time with each of you all by yourselves as adults. Who *knew* I would have that wish come true.”
 
Jane and I began alternating five week shifts over the last year. Five weeks in Florida followed by five weeks in New York. Our sister Annemarie and brother Tom have come when they have been able to. Although they may not be physically in Florida, their love, care and compassion is supremely evident every day.
 
Caring for a sick parent is emotional whiplash.
 
Peg has been independent her entire adult life. She has lived alone. She is a tremendous cook. She can also bake. She is a voracious reader. She loves bright and beautiful clothes, jewelry, and furnishings. She has probably over a million words written in a myriad of notebooks. She has many people who love and care about her who are friends who became family. She is absolutely on top of all things current in the news. She loves all things FBI, NCIS, The Enforcer, Magnum, firefighting, policing, detectiving on TV. The Hallmark channel is also a favorite. British TV makes her very happy.
 
She is my teacher of all things metaphysical, which for the record, I made fun of in the beginning.
 
Imagine when your life is ending and you chose to go out with humor and love and grace.
 
You give up your independence. You give up your kitchen. (You still ask for Beef Wellington because why not. Nope. I haven’t made it.) Your sight goes and you can’t read. You fall asleep listening to audible books. You’re no longer steady on your feet and you need assistance with all things bodily related. Your reliance on others is real.
 
Hospice comes in and they provide much needed help for the primary caregivers. Angie is her nurse. She checks vitals, asks important questions, makes sure the meds are filled and has a vast repertoire of knowledge for what comes next. Nidia helps her in the shower three times a week and slathers on a gorgeous lavender cream so Peg is smooth and feeling special. Lisa comes in monthly for mental health check ins. Beth comes and plays games with her and talks Reiki and body healing and all the other things Peg is known for. Carol comes and does reflexology. They are professional, amazing, beautiful human beings who have often lived with great loss. It makes them compassionate beyond measure.
 
It takes a village to raise and then to maintain a family.
 
Our mom is willing to discuss death. She isn’t afraid of it. She’s just annoyed and sad she won’t be here to see all of her legacy continue to thrive and grow and live their best lives.
 
For Christmas she gave each of her kids a copy of her will, her power of attorney, and her DNR.
 
She has begun to go through her belongings and mailing out special pieces of jewelry with the origin story of the piece.
 
Her artwork has invisible post it notes on each piece of who is getting what.
 
Caring for an extremely intelligent adult is still exhausting when you are responsible for all the same things you are responsible for when caring for a toddler. Get up, make coffee, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, think about lunch, make lunch, clean up lunch, make dinner, clean up. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Plan it. Shop for it. Unload it. Make it. Sweet baby Jesus.
 
Jane and I have learned we are better together. To have someone to bounce stuff off of. We have spent more time together in the past two years than we have spent in probably all of our lives. We have learned to laugh really hard at each other because getting annoyed at who we are as humans is mean spirited and counter productive to our cause. And yes, sometimes we are tired and cranky. But we want the same result.
 
We have one chance to walk someone home. To do it with love. With kindness. With grace. It is an honor and a privilege.
 
I’ll keep you posted.
xo

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